Holding On and Letting Go
by cordano-carby
Summary: Alternate ending for 9.19 "Things Change". Carby standalone. Please read and review!


Author's Note: Though I loved "Things Change," it didn't end the way I wanted it to. So, here's my alternate ending- a short Carby standalone. Please read and review- feedback is a girl's best friend!  
  
***  
  
John lifted his head off of the bed. He had sat that way for hours, holding his grandmother's lifeless hand and crying. Grown men weren't supposed to cry like this, but at the moment, he didn't care. He felt helpless. He had spent more than ten years of his life studying medicine, but he couldn't save his grandmother. Nobody could have saved his grandmother. She had gone up for her nap expecting to wake up a few hours later and go on with her daily routine. Except she had never woken up.  
  
How did Gamma feel before she died? Was she afraid? Brave? Oblivious? What was she thinking about? Dreaming about? Was she in pain?  
  
These were questions that would have to be left unanswered. Gamma's eyes would never open again. Her lips would never move, her hands would remain lifeless. She wouldn't wake up. She wouldn't hug him and tell him that everything would be all right. She couldn't do that anymore.  
  
John's eyes stung. He was physically unable to cry anymore. His body had shaken with sobs for the past two hours as he sat by his grandmother's bedside, letting her know that everything would be okay. For her, everything would be okay. She was in a better place, where she was free of the world's pain and problems. She had gone there and left John to cope with her death all alone.  
  
John heard footsteps in the hall. He took a deep breath, preparing to face the man coming to take his grandmother away from him. He meant to get up and greet the man, but he couldn't let go of his grandmother's hand. It was some sort of strange familial bond. It was almost as if he needed to hold onto Gamma to survive.  
  
The door creaked open, but John could not take his gaze off of his grandmother's peaceful face. Soon, he felt an arm wrap around his shoulder. He followed the arm up to a familiar face.  
  
"Abby..." he exhaled.  
  
Abby leaned down and lightly brushed her lips against John's head. Slowly, she began to rub his shoulders. Carter rubbed his eyes.  
  
"I'm so sorry, John. I know how much she meant to you."  
  
John nodded. "I miss her already."  
  
"I know."  
  
John sighed. "I've been here for two hours, just crying. I couldn't stop until a few minutes ago. I don't know what happened. But you know what? I feel better now. Gamma wouldn't have wanted me to cry so much over her. I don't need to cry anymore." Abby nodded. "I think I've accepted that I can't be the doctor in this situation. I can't use drugs to wake her up, I can't shock her back into life. She's gone, dead. And I miss her like crazy."  
  
"I know, John. But it's okay to miss her. It's missing her that keeps her here."  
  
John nodded, and placed his grandmother's hand back on top of her other one. He slid over to one side of the chair and patted the seat next to him. Abby sat down and put her arm around him.  
  
"Did you find Eric?"  
  
Abby nodded. "Yeah, I found him. In a truck stop in Des Moines. He's homeless and off his meds, but at least I found him."  
  
"Where is he now?"  
  
"I dropped him off at my apartment before I came over here. He's probably asleep." John nodded, but remained silent. Abby bit her lip.  
  
"John, I'm sorry that I couldn't be with you tonight. I really am. Any other time and I would have been right here next to you. You know that, right?" John nodded weakly. "I just couldn't leave Eric there. I hadn't even heard from him in two months, and I was afraid that if I didn't go out there right then, I'd lose him again, and I couldn't bear to go through that. And you have every right to be upset with me, but even though I wanted to be here with you, I had to go."  
  
John turned to look at Abby. Her brown eyes were pleading to him, telling him that she was really sorry. That she really loved him. "I know you did, Abby. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier, I was just so caught up in everything..." He paused. "I'm glad you're here now."  
  
Abby wrapped her arms around him. "I'm glad I'm here too. I love you, John."  
  
"I love you too, Abby," he whispered into her hair. They sat together like that for a few minutes, until there was a knock on the door.  
  
"Dr. Carter? I'm here to pick up your grandmother. I'm very sorry for your loss."  
  
John broke away from the hug and stood up. "Thank you," he said as Abby slipped her hand into his and pulled herself up.  
  
As the mortician prepared to move his grandmother to the funeral home, John stood next to the bed, squeezing Abby's hand. No more tears fell from his eyes.  
  
"Goodbye, Gamma." 


End file.
